Gratitude: A Habit?

We’re entering a season which always prompts me to consider gratitude. Naturally, Thanksgiving – the name says it all. We ponder what we have to be thankful for. And then it seems Christmas swoops in, and for many, gobbles up all the gratitude, and pushes what we WANT to the forefront of our hearts.

For me, gratitude isn’t seasonal. It’s not something I save for when it’s time to go around the table and say what we’re thankful for. I think of gratitude as a habit of my heart. The same way we form habits for our bodies, I believe we can form habits for our hearts.

Webster defines habit as an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary. How does it become nearly involuntary? Practice. Repetition. Routine. You just keep doing it. The same way we form habits to work out, eat right, manage our time – we can manage our hearts. Our physical habits are cultivated. One of my favorite definitions for cultivate is:

 

to grow or raise (something) under conditions that you can control

 

Sometimes we leave our gratitude subject to our circumstances. We’re grateful when things go right. When things go well. When things are good. But we can’t always control circumstances. So how can you be grateful when you’re hurt? When you’re lonely? When the list of cons in your life seems to far outweigh the pros?

I believe the answer is, for me at least, found in perspective. You can’t control your circumstances, but you can control your perspective. You can train it. You can shape it. You can form it through the decisions you make. I believe that when we position ourselves to gain perspective, gratitude can become our knee-jerk reaction, even when things are rough.

My son is severely Autistic. I’m passionate about advocating for families living with Autism, and navigating this unexpected journey is a huge part of my family’s life. Our son was diagnosed 10 years ago, and it has at times, been incredibly difficult for my husband and me. About six years ago, I started a foundation to provide financial and emotional support for families living with Autism. One of my favorite programs we sponsor is for single parents. Community sponsors “adopt” single parent families raising children with Autism to ensure they have what they need for Christmas. As part of this program, my foundation usually throws a Christmas party for all the families. It’s so much fun.

The first year, all the single parents and their families showed up. We had pizza and all kinds of foods and drinks they probably usually steered clear of. It was an absolute zoo. I started this foundation when things were still pretty dark for us, and I was having a hard day. I put on the happy face, though, and pressed through. My husband was there, running around acting like he always does – full of life. I noticed the mom standing beside me watching him playing with our son. She had tears in her eyes, and she turned to me and said, “You are so lucky.”

I looked back at my husband playing with my son and said, “Yeah.” Mind you, I got it, but she must have seen there was another level of “got it” I could go to.

She said, “When my husband found out our twin boys had Autism, and realized how hard it would be, he walked out. He literally moved to another state, and only sends the occasional check. Look at that man out there. He is here. He is present. Do you know how lucky you are?”

And in that moment, I did. I had a new appreciation for how my husband stood by me. For how he spent time with our son. For how patient he was with him and with me when hard times made me sulky and broody and tempted me to give up.

I had perspective.

I don’t believe that having perspective makes things hurt less. I don’t like it when people hear about the hard times we’ve had, and sometimes still have, and feel like their troubles somehow pale and they don’t even want to mention them to me.

Pain is personal.

If you stump your toe, that thing hurts so freakin’ bad. And it doesn’t hurt less because someone, somewhere is battling cancer. But knowing that, can give you perspective.

So what am I saying? Gratitude has become a habit for me because I try to consistently position myself to gain perspective from people in more need than I am. That’s not the only thing I do to stay grateful, but it’s one. Regularly rubbing up against circumstances and situations that help us gain perspective ensures that gratitude isn’t this seasonal, fleeting state, but it becomes the state of our hearts. It becomes a habit.

If you don’t do that, haven’t tried that, the holidays is the perfect time to start.

And if you want it to become a habit of your heart, just keep doing it.